Brenda

I wanted to write to you, so I opened my journal to look back on what I had been reflecting on, see how the changes change, how the voice has range, how the ego distracts the self, and I was looking to see if there was anything that might bring you some joy or heal your heart or inspire action, or support your process. The pages of the journal fell open to about a month ago, the day my dear and sacred friend, Brenda Levin, died of cancer, surrounded by her family and loved ones. When I wrote these words I did not know she had passed. For me it was just a day among days.

On the bottom of the page I had doodled a little caped, or perhaps winged person with hair, long and curly, whipping upwards like a tornado, as she hovered in the air on the page like a ghost with no feet. It was an angel.

Brenda Levin, Precious light

These pages fill up with inked lines that make stories, reveal secrets, ask questions, invoke prayers. I sit on a low stool in front of an altar framed by the mantle and brick sides of the fireplace. There are a half dozen candles at various levels of burning, some are fading and flicker with exhaustion and some sway slowly and brightly shine. There are different objects that stand witness and hold space with me. a ceramic Quan yin, the Goddess of Compassion, a stone shaped like a nesting bird from the mountain path behind Ramana Maharshi’s Ashram in India, a petite feather from the underbelly of a woodpecker tucked into the bent elbow of The Green Tara made of brass. It is before dawn and all the animals still sleep. I use my grandfather’s small side table as my miniature desk.The altar and the table make for a room inside a room. I have sat down here ten thousand mornings. It is as common as going to sleep at night or waking in the morning. What is uncommon is to not wake. We only do that once.

Here are the words that were written:

My love, Have faith in yourself. You are a kind, radiant, uplifting, loving gift of a person. In all situations you are present, generous, and inspiring. Vibrations emanate from your core. You are protected and resilient. What you say is what you say and you do what you do. It is the truth that you swim in. Deep gratitude for this new day steeped in love, wisdom, and grace. Be willing to imagine until it is real and true, embodied and felt. Meditate upon this many moments, many times. I love you.

Two things can be true and most things are unknown and even what we know is questioned and transformed by time. Whether Brenda is an angel and whispered in my inner ear or She is not, no matter. I often say that the only way I could have no regrets is if I could be everywhere at once always. Is she everywhere at once right now? Always? Yes, please.

This Life/Death thing is confusing and strange, simple and straightforward, like believing in everything and nothing simultaneously. Obsessively distracted, diving in while running away, knowing there is no solution yet still searching. This is the way of life, of all life. It is the same sentiment as invoking the Bodhisattva vow;

Suffering beings are numberless, I vow to liberate them all. Attachment is inexhaustible, I vow to release it all. The gates to truth are numberless, I vow to master them all. The way of awakening is supreme, I vow to realize…

Brenda is free. She is in the no regrets zone. She is eternal. I love you, Brenda.