My Yelapa Journal

I have transcribed my journal that I kept while in Yelapa Mexico this year 2026. I have been teaching retreats there for twelve years. I hope this inspires you to come one day with me to this beautiful place. Much love, sweethome

March 6th The retreat begins

The retreat begins today. The participants will arrive on the boat and will get settled in for this week long journey. We will have our first practice on The Maloca deck and be fed here in this beautiful place. I am forever grateful to have found this place 12 years; Los Naranjos, a jungle retreat by the ocean. I’m leaving now to meet them at the pier. 

March 7th Waking in the Jungle at Los Naranjos

What will I learn today? Where will you lead us? May I be of service.

The sounds of the jungle waking, woke me early. The light is seeping into the river valley. Morning is coming. I’m drinking coffee which will make my hands shake. I already have a fluttery feeling in my chest. The flutter of anticipation of the unknown. I’ve been here before. I’ve done this, but never this time. 

We did a restorative practice yesterday to help ground our bodies here. We have arrived. 

Our second practice will be mainly Qi Gong, breath work, a chant perhaps. 

Started reading “All the Way to the River” by Elizabeth Gilbert. Excited to dive into this book. 

I want so many things. I’m grateful for so many things. I want to surrender many things. Desire, Gratitude, and Humility. The three realms inside my heart. 

Everyone is their own person, yet we are all so intricately woven together. I feel like a child, the child I was, full of wonder and really not understanding what’s going on. Feeling wonder and fear together as if they were friends. Are they? 

And then there is another part of me sliding in; the one tinged with a touch of pity, not the victim, but the energy of disappointment that my high hopes are no longer attainable. Too much time has passed and I missed my chance. 

This is not a true story, but it is a loud story from long ago running through my veins. I’d like to let that story go. Replace it with gratitude for this magical special, unique life I get to live, that I manifested, and also, is my destiny. 

More shall be revealed. 

Ok, Sweethome, dear one. Know I love you and your path is clear to me, so take my hand. I got you.

Writing exercise: Tell me of your magical qualities

Hey there my special friend, Thank you for the question and the opportunity. Thank you for these magical qualities because you are who bestowed them upon me. Of course it’s up to me to tend to them , hone them but it is you who gave them to me. My favorite is the ability to glow. I sometimes use it at night when walking in the dark and the moon is hiding and I just know where to place my feet one after the other. I lookup and can feel below. As of late I have learned of a new bit of magic I embody; invisibility. It was hard to get used to, but becoming the witness. Observation and clarity are the gifts giving by the invisibility that comes with age. Lastly, I want to talk of love because that is the truest magic. It is the healer of all things and I feel it growing within me.

March 8th night at Los Naranjos

Nighttime in the jungle. Climbing into bed. Lovely conversation with Meagan on the deck of our casita, high in the canopy of trees after an evening of laughter, playing cards while sipping lemongrass tea steeped with leaves from the black pepper tree in the garden across the way. Rafa popped in for a visit and will give us a tour of the garden tomorrow. Dali, the lovely woman who prepares our meals made grilled eggplant, coconut rice, and a green salad (from the garden). It was delicious.

Practice ended with chanting and began with writing. In between we stretched, moved our bodies, and focused on the breath. Qi gong for the lungs, stomach, and spleen. Forms with beautiful names like Wise Owl Gazes Backwards, Blossoming Lotus, The Small And Large Turning, and Bringing Down The Heavens. 

This was all after a dreamy day at the beach, swimming in the ocean, lounging under umbrellas, dipping in and out of the sun’s rays, alternating between reading and conversing. We walked down tranquil paths and crossed a slow flowing river  passing by horses, pelicans, dogs, and roosters, many greetings of 'buen dia’ by passersby. I love the Spanish language. I am unbelievably grateful.

March 9th Los Naranjos

It’s another beautiful day; bright sun, cool wind, birdsong. We are held lovingly by this place. I feel extremely blessed (and privileged) and hope to bring this rejuvenated energy back to the paradigm in the states. 

It is so evident that what we focus on is the reality we live in, which is not to say there aren’t other realities happening simultaneously and they are all connected. If I can be impacted by the paradigm of place, perhaps the energy I bring in to another paradigm can impact that world. We are a big masterpiece of diverse realities and experiences like a pot of soup. The ingredients I add can flavor that soup. It is a task I am devoted to.

The Night of March 9th

Such a great day! A lovely morning practice amongst the birds and brightening sky and a fabulous breakfast buffet with fresh juices, hearty oatmeal, eggs, frijoles, y tortillas. It’s the vibe of a home cooked meal. We eat outside swimming in butterflies and birdsong. Oh, to be a bird…

For the day, we took a picnic up river, walked through el Paso which is kind of like the edge of town. There’s The pueblo, which is on the bay with a docking pier, restaurants, shops, the church, a small museum and then there’s El Paso, up river where the schools are, where the kids play soccer, where the horses eat and sleep. It’s more country with abuelas sitting outside their homes watching the world walk by, gaggles of chicks following their mama who is protected by a strutting rooster. Dogs lounging in the sun, my bare feet dusted on the  soft dirt path leading the way to the secret river spot. The sun was hot on our skin. The homes along the path became more sparse, a soft wind quivered the palms and swayed the trees. A man ahead on the path with a wide brimmed sombrero carrying pillows and long bamboo poles with dried grass tied at the ends sang loudly and with confidence into the sky,  “Almorados se vende, escobas a comprar!” as if he was trying to sell the birds these objects, yet nature has no use for our made up things. He smiled as we passed by and told us to go with god, ‘Vayan con Dios’. 

And we were indeed with and going to the god of my understanding, which is Nature in all her magic. 

we crossed the river and there was a lone mule standing in the slow current with his lips pressed to the surface of the water taking long slow sips. We paused to make his acquaintance, he paused and pondered us as we went on our way.

At the second crossing we walked upstream in the middle of the river which was just above our knees. We climbed the rocks and boulders slipped into pools spiraling with fresh waters. The river is always low at this time of the year being the dry season. But we did find the deep pool shaped like a woman reclined with massive rocks shaping her waist and thighs.  a small waterfall guiding the water into her body and at the other end leading the water out. A sandy beach forms here every year. Resident Macaws, also called Guakamayas, flew in pairs overhead harvesting the fruits from the trees they call “monkey no climb” due to the deadly looking thorns that cover their trunks. These amazing birds mate for life and always fly together. Two vultures were playing with the wind currents and giving us a show it seemed, and eventually they decided to hang with us by landing with their wide open wings onto the boulders nearby and waddled into a comfortable position then tucked their wings in and sat to watch what the humans were doing. We spent the afternoon swimming, laying in the sun, cooling off in the shade, eating our picnic of cauliflower ceviche, with tostadas and salsa made from scratch. It was a blessed day.

Writing exercise from class: Begin with “My heart opens when…”

My heart opens when fear melts and love settles in. It happens when my eyes are clear and I see the one in front of me, when I smell the fragrant scent of this flowering world. Mi corazon es el mundo. When I see the child in every other being, my heart opens with compassion and I am no longer some one. My empty heart is made of cotton downs and duff of fledgling feather, from swaying grasses and vines that hang from ancient trees listening and remembering me, yes, some one. My vibration is unique and I am familiar. If I’m quiet enough I can hear them speak silently, their wisdom.

Friday night

Around the fire laughing and talking. Rafa joined for a short bit. He is funny; an eccentric I appreciate very much. I have known him now for 12 years. I have grown to love him like family.

Such warm appreciation for Heather, Jess, Eve (and Meagan although she left yesterday). I am grateful for Los Naranjos, this jungle, and my intimate history with it. Humbled by its power, a little scared of its enormity, but to think guakamayas sleep in their nests in the trunk of trees high above, yet close by, and the resident squirrel in his nest will say hello tomorrow morning as he has been. There are all kinds of animals perusing the neighborhood, I can hear them rustle and fly. Im humbled, humbled, humbled, and inside that is a little fear. I feel though that they will leave me alone, not to curious about a human such as me. 

Writing to you keeps me happy, keeps me company. I cannot sleep and would prefer to be with you, dear scribe, rather than caught up in my live wire ping ponging thoughts flying through my mind. 

Writing prompt: Gifts from God

> My sobriety date: March On(e)

>Swimming in the Ocean

>Guakamayas and Vultures chilling on the river near the beach

>The Moloca Deck

>My bed and the mosquito net 

>Chenna, Eduardo, Dali, Javi, and Rafa

>Coconuts rights off the tree

>New friends

>my small but mighty crew

>Charlie, the donkey

>James the spider

>Witnessing the full moon becoming a crescent

>All the kind people

March 12th Yelapa Last full day of the retreat.

Listening to the roosters crow from my cocoon of a bed, no walls separating me from the nature. Birds wake and even the trees make sound in their waking today. I can sense them stretching and opening their leafy hearts to the Sun. 

We will practice and be fed, walk through the pueblo and swim in the ocean. I will read my book and when engaging, focus on asking questions, learning, keep the energy flowing. Listening is a joy these days.

I ask for your support today, I ask for strong hints along the way. I’ll keep my eyes, ears, and heart open so I can receive and thus transform it into giving. To give, that’s where happiness resides and thrives. Am I wrong? Am I mistaken? I think not. 

In this realm of menopausal influence, this long transition from fertile woman to wise woman, I do feel at a crossroads, though. One path would be to continue on, continue traveling and creating retreats around the world, advocating fr animals, but it feels like this could be something coming to an end. On the other path, I settle into the present and home life, continue rescuing animals and creating that grounded world at home. Both paths would be fine to take, yet perhaps define the next life to come. I am far from my final incarnation, I am sure of that. 

But of the two paths, we have one imbued with mystery, adventure, uncertainty. I feel an excited yet unsure sensation. The other path of home is an exhale of warmth and nourishment, yet might leave me with regrets. I truly feel both invite regret and satisfaction equally.

One last point of view: what if none of this is about me and my experience or reincarnating soul? If I took that approach, regret and satisfaction would vanish and love and experience would take its place.

But of course its all about me, right? Ha!

I do feel like I have been here in Yelapa for a very long time even though it is just going on 3 weeks. It makes me wonder about planning this 5 month trip around the world. It might dissolve my sense of self, my sense of place back in Portland, revealing a home I have never known within myself. A new era for this vessel I call me.

Writing exercise. Imagining it is 10 years ahead, writing back to me now. 

Hey sweetie, Man, you have come along way. I want to assure you that now is a better time than where you are as you read this. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you are doing great. I am truly truly so proud of you for how you are navigating the world. It’s a really rough time, not for you at the moment due to your white privilege and family support, but the systems that have defined the human realm are collapsing. So much has changed and you, my dear, really thrive in all the chaos. You are a light amongst the darkness. I am basking in the afterglow of your resilience and I thank you. What you are doing now has set me up for success. I am so much more at ease.  feel whole, healed, and loved. I have so much faith and it nourishes me daily. Thank you for doing the hard work. I have love, I have family, I have my health. I feel free and that my life truly means something thanks to you. I love you. 

March 13th 7am

Cool morning. Woke after a long night of intense dreaming. A huge flood like a tsunami. Huge waves pouring into our home. All my important things were swept away in the massive dark blue waters. In the dream, I knew I had dreamt this dream before, which doesn’t happen often, or ever, that I am lucid in my dreams. I knew I had been here before and that I was sleeping here at Los Naranjos when I dreamt the same dream. I think this place knows me. 

Chewy the squirrel just scooted through, He comes at the same time en la mañana traversing a circuitous route around my palapa, so I ‘chup-chup’ at him lovingly but he still won’t come on over and befriend me. I’ll keep on saying Hi. 

The ladies are leaving tomorrow. I will have 3 more days on my own… my third retreat; I went from a sober sanctuary retreat where I was the participant, to teaching one, and now I will navigate my own. This I might say can be the most challenging, or not, truly no pressure but I am still nursing that patriarchal pressure to perform and be disciplined. I’m talking self discipline; like aligning my situation with my will…and then trying to offer that up to the nature of all things, the great mystery that makes with the highest intelligence and the openest of minds and hearts. 

A time of reflection and intention setting? preparation and surrender? Space to contact my ‘that which can’t be named’? That’s what I’d like. 

Thank you for my life, for this place, for the mountain and the ocean, the animals and the jungle. May my heart open wide, may my roots grow deep, may my hands make contact, may the energy flow free. 

I did wake with a question, dear God, why is it that kindness and generosity does not rule the world of men? When will the divine nature of things make that so. Man, like literally Men, fail at harmony. Women make it work. The world of man, meaning societies where men make the rules, everyone suffers, the are unable to emancipate justice due to their selfish nature. Nature don’t work with selfish too well. Nature thrives with generosity. So did I hear your answer? Matriarchal societies need to multiply now. It’s time for the divine feminine. It’s called a kinship based society, I hear you.

Writing exercise. Imagining it is a year ahead, writing back to me now:

Hey, I know you’re tired and ready to go home, but don’t rush. You are always rushing, so destination focused. Calm the fuck down. It’s okay. I’m still here and it took a bit of effort, but I did indeed get you to relax. There’s no pressure. Just be present. I want you to cultivate your faith. Enjoy what you enjoy. I don’t feel you should should anything. If you sat at home sipping tea, gardening, and paying your bills, that’s enough. Nurture the act of caring for yourself. There truly is nowhere you need to go. Even though you plan to go all over the world, let a greater force steer the ship. I know it is counterintuitive, but trust me. I am very happy where I sit, happier than you could imagine from where you are. 

I love you and want the best for you. Whenever in doubt, just know I’m rooting for you. 

Love, Sweethome for the future

March 15th

I strive for humble confidence, to be brave enough to ask the questions, to have faith that not knowing is a far wiser state of being than any claim or sense of ownership of this great mystery.  It is way too much for this small body to know and yet all I desire is to know you, to sense you, to be held by you.

I am in awe, when not distracted, and if I’m ever bored that’s on me. When I am empty I receive. I am filled with light, with song, movement, texture, a sense of union. I am grateful to be this way; to see a friend in a grasshopper tilting her head at me after landing on my knee, to have a listening ear for the river as she curls around boulders that toppled from peaks thousands of years ago, to notice the beating heart in that noble horse over the fence. To have empathy is the greatest gift. To feel connected is salvation. 

March 16th 

I have one more day. Two more mornings. Sun is climbing over the mountain and sparkling in my eye as I write. I am among the trees in this sweet palapa with no walls. This morning has a chill in the atmosphere, but the sun will warm the air and the wind will cool us down. I shall savor this day and look for You in all the small things. 

The dogs barking last night, hurt my heart. My inner eye that sits inside my heart like a pilot in her flying ship at port in the harbor of my ribcage flew out of the gate and over the river to a dark place where the dogs lungs are tired yet their fear rages on. He’s been barking for hours. I feel the frustrated energy as if it were mine. 

Now all the sunlight is in my eye and the array of green tones and shades dance with light and shadow, drawing out rich hues of reds and browns. Vines trellis and tendril, extended branches breathe and dance. I keep mistaking leaves for hummingbirds. I’m looking for you. My heart aches to know you. Many times I wonder, ‘What am I doing wrong?” or “Am I just inept?”

Hey hey, This is a crossroads, darling. Stop hurting her. Stop believing the stories that are old useless and violent, She deserves your love and protection and whatever she wants even if it’s not the obvious “good” thing. Let her know what she thinks matters and she can lead. It’s okay right now that she feels like cuddling, being quiet, being the child that she is. She is precious and deserving protection and support. She does not have to win. 

And also, maybe she does want to venture. She wants to see the stars at night. She wants a friend. She really does want a best friend who she can trust. 

What do you love, dear one? 

I like to walk barefooted, hop rocks and run with my hands in the air across hanging bridges that float over rivers, I love to swim in deep waters and I love to feel the thrill of fear that sends me back to shore. I love to feel special, when you gaze upon me. And then I wonder, ‘IS that what I like?’

March 17th, 2026 6am at Los Naranjos in the jungle by the river, Yelapa Mexico

Woke at 5…Anticipation of leaving mixed with an emotional longing to stay. But I have also had more sleep in the past few days than a long time. It’s been good for me… We all need rest. We weren’t meant to go so fast.

The braying donkey, rooster crows, dogs barking. Tonight will be a different experience back home in the city. I can’t really comprehend that I am going home, but this is the last page in this small journal i brought, so perfect fit or timing, whatever it may be, it’s done.

In the dark morning my eyes can make out my suitcase, open like a book on the empty bed where Meagan once slept. Packed with clothes that haven’t been washed for two and half weeks. the sky lightens a bit more and I plan to follow it onto the beach and take my last swim. 

Back home in the PNW; dog hair, dirt, rain and mud, driving cars, responsibilities. 

Is that what I like? Well yes, because dog hair is the remnants of the critters I love taking care of. And driving my car to pick up food and take to feed people, I like that responsibility. But I would like to learn how to slow down, relish in the space of being. I intend to relax and invite it in, surrender it up. 

I’d like to step up with skill and precision, alertness and receptivity. To wash one dish, to make my own bed, and sweep my floor…..I like these things.

My plan today is to jump in the ocean, I love to give my praise, my prayers, out in the ocean. I love being a little body with a world below her holding her up and a sky above embracing her with space and clarity. It’s all so massive .

After the ocean, a boat to Puerto Vallarta, a taxi to the airport, a plane to Portland. 

I am so grateful to have spent time here. I walked so many miles, I saw sunrises and sunsets, moon rises, even an eclipse of the full moon over the ocean. I swam every day in the ocean and the river. I watched birds soaring, flocks feeding, I stayed sober in Mexico. I am grateful for this life, this stunning, world, the wind, the wild life, the butterflies, the giant toads. I am grateful for the ones who hide away too; the Tejones, jaguars, the little albino skunks, I think I saw two actually, Im even grateful for the spiders and snakes. 

May you all thrive and may we all be well.